When the Walls Come Crumblin' Down...

I spent last week with my family. We had a fantastic time! It was the first time I have seen some of them in almost ten years. There were husbands I hadn’t met and little ones I’d only seen photos of. It was a comfort to me in a way I can’t describe with words. But I bet you know that feeling, that comfort that comes when you crawl under a warm blanket on a rainy day-- surrounded by warmth and safe from harm.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to me that I would feel that way and yet, it is. My family includes some of the kindest, sweetest and spiritual souls you could ever hope to meet. Now that’s not to say we don’t have our misfits and wanderers—we do (myself being among them). I used to take pride in my casting as a black sheep. But along with that role came a self-imposed isolation from those that love me for exactly who I am.

Over the years, a number of heartaches on top of a tumultuous childhood, created some barriers. I understand that most people don’t particularly enjoy being vulnerable—I am physically revolted by the idea. I’ve built walls stories high to protect myself from being vulnerable to even those closest to me. My aversion to vulnerability has kept me from pursuing relationships with my family, friends and potential suitors. I missed out on a lot and I’m just now realizing how debilitating my fear was.

Flash forward to me in the middle of adopting a child. Things have changed! This is the only way I can describe it: imagine you’re naked and sitting in the middle of a giant open field. There is nothing to cover you, except your own limbs. There are things or people in the forest all around you. Some meant to harm you. Some meant to help or heal you. You never really know who is who until you reach out and give them the chance to prove themselves. I’m reaching out, nakedness be damned! It’s both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Terrifying was my old path; I’m choosing now to see it as exhilarating.

I have been stunned, and remain so, by the outpouring of kindness and generosity I have seen from everyone from family to co-workers to complete strangers. I feel like those walls I’ve built so diligently over the years are crumbling. I realize now how they have limited me. Now I’m not saying it’s comfortable, it’s not. That’s years of crazy being undone by a little boy I’ve never met. But it’s necessary.

I am so thankful that God has put me on this path to adoption. I never planned on being here but I can’t imagine a better place to be.