Mired in the Molasses Swamp

If you read my last post, you might have noticed that I was not in a great place…a really not great place. I never questioned adopting that’s one thing I have right, but I did question how it was ever going to happen. How was I ever going to finish all the paperwork, raise all the money, jump through all the hopes? The answer and the question were both so overwhelming. I was stuck. I slowed down on everything because I just didn’t have all the answers.

As I talked it over with a good friend, she asked me “are you doing your best?” She’s so wise. It was an easy enough question but the answer was hard to admit. Was I doing my best? Was I diligently working on all the paperwork or was it sitting in my desk drawer? Had I finished reading all of the required books or was I just spending time thinking about reading the books? I wasn’t to doing my best, far from it. My best is way better than half-assing it, my best will blow you away.

I went to church a couple days later and I was reminded just how small I am in the grand scheme of things. I heard this verse and crumbled:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.—Matthew 11:28-29

I realized the biggest problem was that I wasn’t trusting in God 100% to take care of this. Sure, I said I did but the reality was I didn’t. I hadn’t turned it all over to Him. I was taking parts of it into my own hands. See, I have a big problem with trust, BIG. You would think that if there was one “person” I could count on completely it would be God. But trusting in anyone is not something that comes easy for me. I’ve been so self-reliant for so long that I thought I had to have all the answers, solve all the problems on my own. That was my deception.. truth is I don’t and I can’t.

I needed that message more than I can explain here. Once I took it all in, it was like the sun rose on a different day. The very next day, I started back to work on my dossier and realized I was further along than I thought I was. It’s over at the agency right now for review before I have it notarized. I’ve set the date for my fund-raising yard sale (June 7 & 8 if you’re interested in scoring some bargains). Things are back on track.

Thank God for new days.

Saying Yes and What Comes After

"When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will." --Jen Hatmaker

I saw this on Facebook today and it really hit home for me. I needed to read that. See, for the past few weeks I’ve been lamenting the fact that I don’t have the $6,000 that I need in order to submit my dossier. The dossier is all of the paperwork that goes to the Ethiopian government. I’ve been working on it for about four months: doctor’s letter/blood test results, reference letters, clearance from the U.S. government, etc. It all has to be notarized and they are very particular about it. It’s time consuming and at some points very frustrating.

There’s no time frame to submitting the dossier, but the sooner the better. The sooner you get your dossier submitted, the sooner you get your referral–where they match you with your child.

The only thing holding me up right now is money. I just don’t have it, nor do I know when I will. Without it, I can’t go any further. It’s discouraging, I’m discouraged. I’ve applied for a few grants, I should find out in June if we were selected. I’m also planning a garage sale in June. June seems so far away.

But no amount of frustration or stress I feel compares with what my son might be going through at this moment. And that’s what kills me. He may be already there—I’ve asked for a boy between 0-3 so there is a very good chance that he is. He’s there, suffering only God knows what and I can’t do a thing about it. It breaks my heart every day.

I constantly have to remind myself that it’s not my timing but God’s. The money will come and so will everything else that's needed. My wanting to speed through this isn’t going to change that. Some days it’s easier than others. Some days I can put it to the back of my mind, put my head down and barrel through. Other days? Well, not so much. But I do know that He has the perfect child for me already picked out. I will meet him in God’s good time and it will be just as God has planned it. Until then, God will provide what he needs and keep him safe. He is always with my boy.... and me.

Today is just one of those “other” days.