Letters to Eli, Page 8- Over processed

Dear Eli-

Last week was Orphan Sunday and I was brought back to that Sunday two years ago when it was solidified in me what God was calling me to do. I can be dull at times, I needed a sign and I got it that day at church. Two years on this path…

This process has not been easy. I never expected it to be, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I also never expected it to be a gut punch of a slog through damn near every day. Lately, it just seems to be getting tougher. I miss you, son. There are people who find it hard to believe that anyone could miss someone they don’t know. But I do.

This process has changed my heart—it needed a change. It’s exposed me in a way that I don’t always find comfortable. It’s exposed my pride, my laziness, my bullheadedness, my inability to trust and surrender. While I’m pretty aware I have these flaws, it’s another thing to see them on display. And just when I think I have them beat; they rear their ugly heads to remind me that I am far from over them. But I’m learning and when I forget, I’ll learn again.

This process has shown me who my friends are. I’ve known for years that I am blessed with an amazing group of friends. But bringing you home has shown me that they love and support me unconditionally and those times that I have been loathe to ask them for help—all I ever had to do was ask. They are generous and loving beyond measure. They are also a gaggle of straight up weirdos but I love them like mad.

This process has made me realize that I have the capacity to love beyond what I ever would have imagined. But in realizing that capacity, I’m the loneliest I have ever been. I push through, I distract myself but it’s there, always there.

Most days I feel like we're both being held hostage by this "process." This process that no one sees the logic in and I can't help make it clear because most days, I don't either. One day it will make sense. I have no doubt that it will all be worth it. Just today, these days, I'm struggling.

I don’t write any of this to make you sad. I just want you to know how much I love you, that I would do anything for you and that I'm in it until the finish line. I can’t wait to have you here with me. 

Until Next Time, 

All my Love- 

Mom

Letters to Elijah, Page 7 Tip Toe Through the Tulips

Dearest Eli-

Oh, my love, again it has been so long since I’ve written. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about you every day and wish you were here with me. There is so much I want to show you and tell you… my arms ache from their emptiness.

It’s nearly June here and it’s lovely. The weather has finally broken and there are signs of a long lost Spring everywhere. Spring in Holland means Tulip Time! Tulip Time is a festival that brings the whole city to life. Tourists come from far and wide, driving very poorly, to watch an entire city celebrate Dutch culture. Parades, dancers, flowers, carnival food—it’s quite the spectacle.

The past couple of years, I’ve watched the children’s parade through tears. To see the little children dressed up in their costumes, marching proudly down the street makes me miss you horribly. It makes me wonder what it will be like when you come home.  I think of you, my handsome Ethiopian boy, celebrating Dutch heritage, wearing a puffy cotton ball beard and it makes me laugh hysterically. Of course, I won’t make you march in the parade if you don’t want to but I kind of hope you do-- because of the ridiculousness of it.

I often wonder what you’re like. I know what I hope for, but I also know it’s not fair for me to put those expectations on you. I’ve been reminded so profoundly lately that you have to let people be who they are. Trying to impose your will on someone or change them to better suit your needs never works. If you’d rather wear the sailor suits your Aunt Sassy has in mind instead of the fedora and suspenders I have picked out, then I am cool with that. I want you to grow up with a strong sense of who you are and an ability to find the humor in just about every situation (namely those sailor suits).

Most importantly, you will know that you are a beautiful child of God. And that the crazy lady? The one laughing and crying during the parade? That's your Mama and she loves you very much.

Until Next Time Dear Boy,

All my Love --

Mom

Letters to Elijah page 6

Dear Elijah-

Oh dear boy! It has been months since I've written, please don't think you've been forgotten. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you desperately and send you my love. Time is flying by, love. The seasons are slowly changing and we are moving up on the list-- number 49 as of yesterday. Day by day we are getting closer.

We'll be coming up on Easter shortly. Our church started a series on waiting this past Sunday. It will be a six week series in 1 Kings. It's one of my favorite stories in the Bible and hopefully it will be yours too. It also happens to be where your name comes from--Elijah. Elijah was a first testament prophet who steadfastly followed the Lord. He fled to the desert and while he was there the Lord protected him and prepared him for what was to come. When the time came, God spoke to him. Not in fire, great winds or earthquakes-- He came to Elijah in a whisper.

It seems like we're always waiting on a sign. Some divine intervention or burning bush to let us know we're on the right track. We expect God to get all Old Testament with us and set something ablaze or rain down sulfur to get our attention. Our lives are so busy running from point A to point B, heads stuck in our computers or our phones-- we forget to listen.

I remember that whisper. I was driving home from your Yaya and Papa's house, Yaya was in the hospital. I was there that day attempting to be the caretaker. In reality, what I was was bossy and a little too insistent with the nursing staff who didn't seem to be as responsive as I would have liked. In the quiet darkness of the drive home, I prayed. I was so scared. But I heard it, clear as a bell,  "isn't it time to worry about someone else? to take care of someone other than yourself?" I knew He wasn't talking about Yaya, she would be fine. It was time.

As I've told you many times, you were born in my heart so long ago it seems like you've always been with me. But it was then that I knew it was time to begin the process of bringing you home to me. In that whisper my life was forever changed.

And as I wait here for you, God is working in my life in ways I never could have imagined. It's not always easy, your Mama is hard headed! (oh I hope you don't pick up that trait) I don't always learn the lesson the first time or the second.. or the twentieth. But I'm learning.. everyday I'm learning. And my life is so different than I ever imagined it would be. All in good ways, I can't wait to share it with you.

Some days I just need to lean on the Father with everything I have. Most days of the week, I can put my head down and barrel through just about anything life throws my way. But there are others where the slightest sound or sight will break my heart with desperation from missing you. On those days, it's just breath to breath for me. I know it's all in God's time and I will rest in that.

Until Next Time,

All my Love-
Mom