Dear Eli-
Last week was Orphan Sunday and I was brought back to that
Sunday two years ago when it was solidified in me what God was calling me to
do. I can be dull at times, I needed a sign and I got it that day at church. Two
years on this path…
This process has not been easy. I never expected it to be, I
knew there would be ups and downs. But I
also never expected it to be a gut punch of a slog through damn near every day. Lately, it just seems to be getting
tougher. I miss you, son. There are people who find it hard to believe that anyone
could miss someone they don’t know. But I do.
This process has changed my heart—it needed a change. It’s
exposed me in a way that I don’t always find comfortable. It’s exposed my
pride, my laziness, my bullheadedness, my inability to trust and surrender. While
I’m pretty aware I have these flaws, it’s another thing to see them on display.
And just when I think I have them beat; they rear their ugly heads to remind me
that I am far from over them. But I’m learning and when I forget, I’ll learn
again.
This process has shown me who my friends are. I’ve known for
years that I am blessed with an amazing group of friends. But bringing you home
has shown me that they love and support me unconditionally and those times that
I have been loathe to ask them for help—all I ever had to do was ask. They are
generous and loving beyond measure. They are also a gaggle of straight up
weirdos but I love them like mad.
This process has made me realize that I have the capacity to
love beyond what I ever would have imagined. But in realizing that capacity, I’m
the loneliest I have ever been. I push through, I distract myself but it’s there, always there.
Most days I feel like we're both being held hostage by this "process." This process that no one sees the logic in and I can't help make it clear because most days, I don't either. One day it will make sense. I have no doubt that it will all be worth it. Just today, these days, I'm struggling.
I don’t write any of this to make you sad. I just
want you to know how much I love you, that I would do anything for you and that I'm in it until the finish line. I can’t wait to have you here with
me.
Until Next Time,
All my Love-
Mom
